CONSENT DOES APPLY TO SEX TOYS For the record, consent is still a thing.
Caution: This section contains material that is not consented to.
As a starting point:
- Consent must be express, not implied.
- It must be animated, not passive.
- It cannot be persuaded, compelled, induced by fear, owed, pressed, or borne out of guilt. It cannot be a hesitant “yes.”
- It cannot be obtained from an underage person or by an abuse of authority (eg, landlord/tenant, priest/parishioner). 5. Once obtained, it is not automatically supplied for future conduct.
- It can be revoked once gained.
- It must originate from an informed state of total consciousness (eg, it cannot originate from someone who is intoxicated, sleepy, or unaware of what they are doing.)
- Silence does not constitute consent. Perhaps is not consent. I’m not sure constitutes permission.
- Perhaps you’ll appreciate the absence of consent. Not obtaining consent is a whoops, I didn’t intend to.
Consent is critical. It is critical to teach, it is critical to absorb, and it is critical to practice. Sexual behavior that is not consented to is, simply put, sexual assault. Consent in Canada is defined as affirmative communication, and silence does not constitute consent.
It should come as no surprise that consent extends to sex devices as well. Apply a sex toy to each of the nine bullet points above.
This may entail introducing your companion to sex toys for the first time, or simply a new type of toys (ie, bigger than usual). I once came across an atrocious post (authored by a “David Strovny”) in adult sex toy(성인용품), a well-known men’s advice website (Note: the article appears to have been removed as of June 2017, but you can still find it archived here). Strovny discusses various methods for guys to offer sex toys to their girlfriends. While he emphasizes the importance of communication and the importance of not refusing to quit doing something, he also offers some scary things:
“Ask her if you may use a toy on her.” Or, the next time you give her oral pleasure, sneak it in without her noticing.” (non-consent)
Another excerpt from the introduction of bondage: “Hold her wrists lightly so that when she tries to wriggle free, she will be unable to move unless she pushes firmly against you.” (Okay, this can go horribly wrong in practice – if my boyfriend suddenly clasped my wrists together for the first time and refused to release them unless I fought him FIRMLY, I’d be terrified)
Consent is viewed as a single choice in this article. The tone is very: If she has already been subjected to it, she may enjoy it. In other words, failing to gain consent appears to be a valid strategy. If it turns out she does not want it, coerce her into standing up for herself at a time when she is already vulnerable and has been penetrated.
Surprising a partner with a sexual act or toy that was not clearly agreed upon before to the act or toy is a problem. Things can easily become non-consensual, ESPECIALLY when something new is involved, and ESPECIALLY if you have any indication that your spouse would be uncomfortable or might refuse (if discussed thoroughly).
Avoid putting your partner in a position where, already vulnerable, the onus is on them to be loud and unambiguous about the lack of permission.
It’s natural to want to please the other person during sex, especially when your barriers are already down. If you are abruptly given with a sex item you are not familiar with or were not anticipating, and you know your spouse wants you to use it, the scenario becomes quickly stressful. Consent negotiation becomes extremely difficult when it is emotionally and physically disarming. It happens swiftly, and you may experience a moment of paralysis or revert to people-please mode. Please, readers, do not do this to your partners. Ascertain that your partner is participating in every decision-making. Avoid placing your partner in a position where, already vulnerable, the onus is on them to communicate loudly and clearly that permission was not granted. You are responsible for obtaining consent in advance.
Communication and negotiation are critical in all parts of your sex life, including your relationship with your toys.
Communication and negotiation are critical in all facets of your sex life, including your relationship with your toys. However, are there exceptions when it comes to surprising your lover with new sex toys? It may be acceptable in some relationships if the parties have previously taken the necessary efforts and established a clear channel of communication. Thus, there are relationships in which this is not a concern; nevertheless, it is extremely case-by-case. If you and your partner already appreciate sex toys and have already discussed the possibility of future surprise sex toys, then consent is obtained in this manner and the scenario is different. Alternatively, IF YOU AND YOUR PARTNER HAVE OPEN COMMUNICATION, ARE AWARE OF YOUR LIMITS, HAVE CONVERSED ABOUT THEM, AND ARE BOTH READY FOR SMALL SURPRIZES ALONG THE WAY, IT IS DIFFERENT. For instance, if you and your spouse both appreciate clitoral vibrators and they have their eye on one or have indicated that they are open to receiving another, you may purchase them that lovely one for Christmas.
However, exercise caution and speak with your partner when in doubt (eg, do not spring out a butt plug during sex if your partner has only indicated desire for vaginal dildos).
I wholeheartedly suggest Bex’s No/Yes/Maybe list.
For the majority of couples, avoid surprising your spouse during sex: doing so violates permission and makes it more difficult for the other party to feel included in any meaningful decision. Rather than that, bring up the matter verbally before to purchasing one. If your partner is enthusiastic about the concept, involve him or her in the various stages of the procedure. COLLECTIVELY SHOP. Sit in a circle around the computer (or in a store) and browse the selection as a group, discussing your favorites and making the decision collectively.
Consent is required by law. Consent, on the other hand, is seductive. Never doubt that you have gotten consent.